Thursday, March 27, 2014

Lost Love

Sometimes you unfortunately lose someone you loved.

Sometimes even more unfortunately you lose someone you loved who you realized never loved you the same way in the first place.

Putting energy into a relationship that never really was (even though there appeared to be something there) and then having it all the sudden crush down sucks. Its a blow that I don't wish on anyone.

I still think things could have worked out. But unfortunately, the other person doesn't feel the same. I think this is usually how it goes. One is willing to work, but the other isn't so things fall apart. I've been here several times before, but I've always been the other person.

Will it ever be worth it to try and fall in love again?  I still want to hold on hope that things will work out with him though I know they won't. But will this happen again with another man?

I am content with still being friends. I don't want to ever lose him from my life like I did before. But going from seeing a future to knowing there's not one is going to be difficult for quite awhile.

I hope Ted was right on HIMYM, "Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things."

Right at this very moment though, I want to give up. I want to say love doesn't exist and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I want to hate all men and never give my heart to another one for as long as I live.

But I know this is only a moment. One day I will get everything I want, need, and deserve. And it will be beautiful.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Ring

Today I let go of a certain ring... here is the story...

The ring was the final item connecting me to both of my ex-husbands. Its the last token I have to remind me of both of them.

Andy and I got back together about a year after our divorce. We went on a date and went to the mall after dinner. I mentioned while there I wanted to buy a yin/yang ring to replace one that I had lost. We went to Claire's and I found the particular ring. He bought it for me as a token of us getting back together. I wore it a long time even after we broke up, but then I stopped wearing it.

Then, one day, for some reason I put the ring back on and went to the Love Feast at the Utah Krishna Temple. It was the night that I met Mike. The ring was one of the first things he noticed about me. The very first thing he said to me was, "I like your ring." He always loved the ring and told me its what attracted him to me in the first place.

So, since the ring is connected to these two men, I know its time to leave it behind. I buried the ring in a park I rarely go to. I leave behind these men with this ring. I leave behind the memories of hurting them. I leave behind my own pain and my worry that I'll never be able to commit to a person again. Today is a brand new day. A day where I finally love and accept myself. I believe in love. I believe one day I will fall in love with the perfect man for me. I will no longer date men who are not right for me. I'd rather be alone forever than to be with the wrong man again.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Looking Back...

Do you ever look back to the past and think "what if I had/hadn't?"

I do all the time, especially recently...

What if I had went to college right off the bat  at 19 instead of getting married?
What if I hadn't left my first husband?
What if I had had kids in my first marriage?
What if I had gotten my tubes tied?
What if I had moved out of Utah years ago?
What if I hadn't gotten married the second time?
What if I hadn't started drinking?

There are so many what if's.

But, when you take an honest look at your what if's, you are glad that you can't have them. I wouldn't have learned the lessons I have learned. I wouldn't have met the awesome people I have met today. I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I am learning that there are no true mistakes in life, there are only lessons for you to learn.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Why I Support "Gay Rights" and Equality

I want to write about why I am so involved in fighting for marriage equality. But before I get to that, I need to write a bit of backstory.

First of all, when I was a young newlywed I decided that I did not want to have kids. When I started telling people this, some didn't understand why I would get married if I didn't want children. I went to a "Childfree" message board and someone mentioned gay marriage and how some people believe that gays shouldn't get married because they couldn't have kids. The idea was planted in my head how unfair that was. I wondered, "so what does that mean to my childfree marriage?"

I remember I read an article about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and how they said they wouldn't get married until everyone had the equal opportunity to get married. I thought that was a great stance.

And then, in the Fall of 2010, I took a Gender Studies class at school and that completely changed everything for me.

In my Gender Studies class, we talked a lot about society's role in creating Gender Roles. Gender is a social construct. We talked about "what it means to be a man and a woman." We learned that in some countries and cultures, there are not two separate genders, but there were three or even more. Another thing we discussed was the human sexuality scale, and how there is a sliding scale between heterosexuality and homosexuality. We learned about a theory where people are on a whole spectrum of sexualities, that many people are not purely heterosexual or homosexual.

Everyday I came home from class with my mind absolutely blown! I loved these topics and couldn't get enough. I would go home and tell my husband all about what I learned, and he looked at me like I had two heads. Over time, I feel the way I thought about people and the way my husband felt about people contributed to our growing apart.

Also, over time, I began to stop really believing fully in genders. I never really felt like I was the same as other "girls", but I was never really like "boys" either. I was something in between. I have grown into a person who thinks of people as people, not of people as separated into men and women (even though having a man-hating party would make one think otherwise of me.)

 It is because of my belief that we are all just people that makes me believe in marriage equality. Because one is  a person, they should be able to marry who they love, or who they desire to marry solely because they are a person, and a person should not be defined only by their gender which society has forced upon them.

Oddly enough, when I divorced my husband and announced it publicly on Facebook, I announced my stance on marriage equality shortly after that. It brought up the inevitable question from my aunt (I love her dearly, it was an honest question, she wasn't attacking me or anything. She herself is in favor of marriage equality.) She asked,  "I have to ask because you got divorced and came out as in favor of marriage quality around the same time. Are you a lesbian?"

I just laughed and told her, "No. I am definitely straight. The reason I announced I was for marriage equality around the same time as my divorce was because I felt like I could finally announce the fact. My ex-husband didn't really want me to tell people I was for marriage equality. But now I finally feel free to."

Announcing I was for marriage equality was kind of difficult. I come from a very religious family where most of them are opposed to marriage equality. It seemed the majority of my friends were also opposed. But I knew I had to show my support. 

Marriage equality is so, so important to me. It makes me very sad that a large group of people are denied rights to marry the person of their choosing. Having two failed marriages does not change my views. I am of the opinion that getting married is really only a conceptual agreement with the government and with your spouse. You receive a certificate that says you share property, perhaps a last name, etc. What really matters is your commitment to be with that person for the rest of your life.

Having said this, I think everyone should be able to enter into these contracts with who they love, who they desire to leave their things to in case one of them dies. Just because I believe marriage is mainly a piece of paper doesn't change my views on how important it is to a lot of people. 

I can be for marriage equality even if I don't completely believe in marriage. 


Because a person is a person. And each person should have the same choices and the same rights as another person.

This is why I am joining in the fight and why I will continue to make my voice heard until everyone has the right to marry. We have a long way to go, but I know it will be accomplished. And I will be very happy to be included in the group of people in the annuals of history who stood up for Human Rights.    


Thursday, January 9, 2014

Everchanging Views on Having Kids

My views on having kids have changed a lot over the years.

Just a brief overview:

Teenager: Assumed I'd have kids eventually because "everyone does".

Newlywed: Wanted to spend time with my husband for a few years before having kids.

Around third or fourth year: Found out the term "childfree"--those who don't want to have kids. Spent some time in self-discovery realizing that I didn't think I actually wanted to have kids.

About the six year of marriage: Decided officially I didn't want kids. Husband got a vasectomy because he didn't want kids either and it was easier for him to get sterilized.

After first divorce: Knew I didn't want to have kids, and I stuck by this. I was pretty much a militant childfree.

Dating a man with kids: I always said I wouldn't date a single dad, but I ended up doing so. I thought it would be okay since his kids were teenagers.

Becoming a stepmom: I thought it would be okay. His kids seemed pretty cool. I didn't realize that its different being a stepmom than just being the kids' dad's girlfriend. I actually became responsible for them.  My perceptions changed during the marriage. Partially because I felt I was being more of a parent to the kids (the one in particular who lived with us), then the actual parents were. That was extremely stressful.

BIG REVEAL: We actually tried for about three cycles to have a baby. I was obsessed with how to get pregnant. Seriously, I was crazy. I read "What to Expect...". I spent all my time reading pregnancy and baby message boards. We bought a baby outfit, went to BabiesRUs. I constantly took pregnancy tests just in case, took prenatal vitams, etc. We had a baby name picked out (if we had a girl). It felt so unnatural to me, but I was still obsessed. Luckily, I never got pregnant. I am still not sure why I decided to even try to have a baby. Looking back on it, I was so unhappy being in a parenting role, I think it was another big reason I left my husband.

Now: ????? That's a good question. I am still not sure about having kids. At this point, I really don't see me ever having a baby.  But I am not ruling it out completely. I still have time. If I do decide to have kids, however, it will be a very well thought out (and felt) decision. I will only have kids if I absolutely 100%, no doubt about it, want them. I think that's the only reason anyone should ever have kids.

The last thing I want to mention is that my views on motherhood have changed as well. I think its awesome that a lot of women want to become mothers and have that deep desire. Good for them! If you want to be a stay at home mom, great. Working mom, more power to you! But I hope women are having kids because they have that strong desire and want to be amazing, loving parents. Kids don't deserve anything less than that. Honestly, in the past I've kind of looked down on moms and stay at home moms in particular. But now I realize that its just a choice, and every woman wants different things in their life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone, whether they want to be moms or they don't want to be. What feels comfortable and happy to you are the things that you should do in your life.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The End of the Whirlwind

As of December 31st, 2013 I am officially divorced!

 It feels so good to be single. This has been such a whirlwind. My recent ex and I met in March. We "fell madly in love", "knew we were soulmates and twin flames", "didn't want to ever get married".

Three months later we married. How did we get to that point? He asked me to marry him in the park while intoxicated. Perhaps intoxicated by stupidity and "love blindness"...

And three months later, I decided we needed to split.

There were oh so many reasons.

I found that I didn't like being a stepparent afterall. I decided I really was Childfree... However, I am a little more open to parenting... it may happen someday, but most likely not.

We had completely different views on money. I believed in saving, he believed in spending.

Perhaps most importantly we had different relationship styles. I believe in togetherness but also independence. I wanted to go to school club meetings and he wanted to go along, even though he was not a student.  He wanted to do everything with me. I wanted some of my own time and own activities.

There were other reasons I left him that I'm not going to go into right now.

I am just happy that the divorce is official.  Based on interactions I had with him yesterday, I knew I 100% made the right choice and I am thankful.

All that being said, I really learned a lot from him and I am thankful for the marriage because it taught me so much about life and about love. The biggest thing I'm taking away from this is that you should really know a person before you commit to them.  Three months is not nearly enough time to know if you should spend the rest of your life with someone. I know that sometimes it works out, but more often it's a bad idea. Based on my two marriage, I would give the advice that a couple shouldn't plan to get married until they've known each other AT LEAST one year. This may not be popular advice, but its the advice I will give to people for the rest of my life.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Severing the Last Tie

I've been divorced from my first husband now for two years now. But there was one thing still tying me to him. I had a daily reminder of him and why things went wrong. Its something I used everyday. It was a constant reminder of what went wrong. Yesterday, January 4th, 2013 I finally let go of the last tie I had to him. I said goodbye to "Berger":

And now it's story time. This blog post will explain part of what went wrong. The downfall of our marriage really started when we bought this car.

My ex was very handy and loved doing "fix up" projects. We had several damaged properties that we fixed up. Our house and condo were pretty much finished, so he needed a new project. And I needed a new car. Apparently he thought those needs should intertwine.

So we went looking for a car... he decided he didn't want to have a car payment. So his great idea was to buy a damaged vehicle and fix it up, not knowing much about cars. I begged and begged him not to buy a car like this for me. But he was a very good debater and arguer, so I finally gave in. And I have regretted that for the past three years.

The car (I called it Berger) never really got fixed all that well. The front end was mismatched, paint peeling, the grill was missing. Looks aside, the computer in the car was screwed up so we couldn't get it to pass inspection and emissions. The breaks are bad. The battery and wiring are all screwed up so the battery got drained constantly.

Aside from all of this, I knew I had to get rid of the car. Because I said, it reminded me of my ex and what went wrong.

Now don't get me wrong, Andy was a good guy. I loved him, I still love him, and always will. He helped me with a lot of things in life. But this car proved to me that his needs were above my own. He knew what he wanted out of life, and I didn't. So I ended up going along with his plans for life. I thought he was smarter than me and knew more about life than I did. The car was just one example of how I forgot about my needs and wants and instead follow whatever he wanted. I understand that relationships can be like that in some things, but it almost seemed like every detail of our relationship was like that. We grew apart because I didn't know who I was without him, and I needed to find out.

All of this is what my car (Berger) represented to me. This is why I had to get rid of it. And now, on to new things... my NEW CAR! :)

Let me introduce to you.... SCHERBATSKY.

Pontiac G6. I am really excited about this car, it is so awesome! (My parents have the same car. But mine will definitely be Angie-fied soon. :)) And yes, I have named by car Scherbatsky after one Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother. I feel her and I are so similar so this is the perfect name for my car.