Thursday, January 9, 2014

Everchanging Views on Having Kids

My views on having kids have changed a lot over the years.

Just a brief overview:

Teenager: Assumed I'd have kids eventually because "everyone does".

Newlywed: Wanted to spend time with my husband for a few years before having kids.

Around third or fourth year: Found out the term "childfree"--those who don't want to have kids. Spent some time in self-discovery realizing that I didn't think I actually wanted to have kids.

About the six year of marriage: Decided officially I didn't want kids. Husband got a vasectomy because he didn't want kids either and it was easier for him to get sterilized.

After first divorce: Knew I didn't want to have kids, and I stuck by this. I was pretty much a militant childfree.

Dating a man with kids: I always said I wouldn't date a single dad, but I ended up doing so. I thought it would be okay since his kids were teenagers.

Becoming a stepmom: I thought it would be okay. His kids seemed pretty cool. I didn't realize that its different being a stepmom than just being the kids' dad's girlfriend. I actually became responsible for them.  My perceptions changed during the marriage. Partially because I felt I was being more of a parent to the kids (the one in particular who lived with us), then the actual parents were. That was extremely stressful.

BIG REVEAL: We actually tried for about three cycles to have a baby. I was obsessed with how to get pregnant. Seriously, I was crazy. I read "What to Expect...". I spent all my time reading pregnancy and baby message boards. We bought a baby outfit, went to BabiesRUs. I constantly took pregnancy tests just in case, took prenatal vitams, etc. We had a baby name picked out (if we had a girl). It felt so unnatural to me, but I was still obsessed. Luckily, I never got pregnant. I am still not sure why I decided to even try to have a baby. Looking back on it, I was so unhappy being in a parenting role, I think it was another big reason I left my husband.

Now: ????? That's a good question. I am still not sure about having kids. At this point, I really don't see me ever having a baby.  But I am not ruling it out completely. I still have time. If I do decide to have kids, however, it will be a very well thought out (and felt) decision. I will only have kids if I absolutely 100%, no doubt about it, want them. I think that's the only reason anyone should ever have kids.

The last thing I want to mention is that my views on motherhood have changed as well. I think its awesome that a lot of women want to become mothers and have that deep desire. Good for them! If you want to be a stay at home mom, great. Working mom, more power to you! But I hope women are having kids because they have that strong desire and want to be amazing, loving parents. Kids don't deserve anything less than that. Honestly, in the past I've kind of looked down on moms and stay at home moms in particular. But now I realize that its just a choice, and every woman wants different things in their life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with anyone, whether they want to be moms or they don't want to be. What feels comfortable and happy to you are the things that you should do in your life.

1 comment:

  1. Isn't it funny how drastically things can change over time? It is actually rather intimidating, especially when it's through huge happenings like marriage and having a child. I am grateful to have the greatest contraceptive of all: being gay (ha!) There won't be any unplanned pregnancies, but at the same time, when it does come time to becoming a mother, it will be well planned and prepared for. Like you said, motherhood is great! But it certainly isn't for everyone, or at least at certain times in their lives. I am personally a HUGE advocate for adoption, mainly because those are children who have already been conceived and/or brought into the world and clearly deserve a loving home. Why make your own when they're already here? Anyway, I love reading your blog and it is very interesting to see how your opinion on being a mom has evolved. Who knows where it will be next time we meet? Ah, the joy of ambiguity.