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Thursday, March 27, 2014

Lost Love

Sometimes you unfortunately lose someone you loved.

Sometimes even more unfortunately you lose someone you loved who you realized never loved you the same way in the first place.

Putting energy into a relationship that never really was (even though there appeared to be something there) and then having it all the sudden crush down sucks. Its a blow that I don't wish on anyone.

I still think things could have worked out. But unfortunately, the other person doesn't feel the same. I think this is usually how it goes. One is willing to work, but the other isn't so things fall apart. I've been here several times before, but I've always been the other person.

Will it ever be worth it to try and fall in love again?  I still want to hold on hope that things will work out with him though I know they won't. But will this happen again with another man?

I am content with still being friends. I don't want to ever lose him from my life like I did before. But going from seeing a future to knowing there's not one is going to be difficult for quite awhile.

I hope Ted was right on HIMYM, "Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things."

Right at this very moment though, I want to give up. I want to say love doesn't exist and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I want to hate all men and never give my heart to another one for as long as I live.

But I know this is only a moment. One day I will get everything I want, need, and deserve. And it will be beautiful.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Ring

Today I let go of a certain ring... here is the story...

The ring was the final item connecting me to both of my ex-husbands. Its the last token I have to remind me of both of them.

Andy and I got back together about a year after our divorce. We went on a date and went to the mall after dinner. I mentioned while there I wanted to buy a yin/yang ring to replace one that I had lost. We went to Claire's and I found the particular ring. He bought it for me as a token of us getting back together. I wore it a long time even after we broke up, but then I stopped wearing it.

Then, one day, for some reason I put the ring back on and went to the Love Feast at the Utah Krishna Temple. It was the night that I met Mike. The ring was one of the first things he noticed about me. The very first thing he said to me was, "I like your ring." He always loved the ring and told me its what attracted him to me in the first place.

So, since the ring is connected to these two men, I know its time to leave it behind. I buried the ring in a park I rarely go to. I leave behind these men with this ring. I leave behind the memories of hurting them. I leave behind my own pain and my worry that I'll never be able to commit to a person again. Today is a brand new day. A day where I finally love and accept myself. I believe in love. I believe one day I will fall in love with the perfect man for me. I will no longer date men who are not right for me. I'd rather be alone forever than to be with the wrong man again.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Looking Back...

Do you ever look back to the past and think "what if I had/hadn't?"

I do all the time, especially recently...

What if I had went to college right off the bat  at 19 instead of getting married?
What if I hadn't left my first husband?
What if I had had kids in my first marriage?
What if I had gotten my tubes tied?
What if I had moved out of Utah years ago?
What if I hadn't gotten married the second time?
What if I hadn't started drinking?

There are so many what if's.

But, when you take an honest look at your what if's, you are glad that you can't have them. I wouldn't have learned the lessons I have learned. I wouldn't have met the awesome people I have met today. I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I am learning that there are no true mistakes in life, there are only lessons for you to learn.