Sunday, August 23, 2015

My Yellow Umbrella Story

Who will be the one standing under this with me at the end of this post? 

One of my favorite TV shows of all time is How I Met Your Mother.

I love the comedy, the friendship between the characters, and mostly, the whole romance theme of the show. I loved watching Ted's search to find the love of his life. If you've watched the show, you know that there is a Yellow Umbrella that connects Ted to his future wife (the "mother" in the show's title). 

I have always wanted a yellow umbrella, and I started searching all over for one, without success. A good friend of mine knew I wanted one, so he bought it for me for my birthday. I was so happy about it, I broke our "no touching" rule to give him a hug. 

My friend was not a fan of the show at all, so he had no idea the meaning of the umbrella or why I wanted it so bad. And if you don't know the show, you probably wonder what my obsession with the umbrella is. 

For me, the Yellow Umbrella symbolizes the hope of "finding true love". I often looked at my Yellow Umbrella and fantasized about finding the perfect guy for me. It was all I could think about.

When I moved out to Texas, I was feeling pretty lonely, and I started thinking about my past. A lot of stuff happened between me and my friend who gave me the umbrella, and we both wondered if we had missed our chance at a long-term relationship between us. So we decided to test it out, see if any prior feelings were still there. Turns out, feelings were still there, but they were not enough to build a life on. Our lifestyles, circumstances, what we want out of life, our values, etc are way too out of sync.(which may be the case with all my prior relationships).

I wondered what would I do now? I finally have closure to all my romantic relationships of the past. Will I ever find the "love of my life"? Will I find "My Ted"?

As I flew back home to Texas, I had a lot of time to think and ponder about my life. I made a huge realization then. ALL of this "romance" and "love" stuff of the past four years have really been a distraction. I was so concerned with finding someone to love and build a life with, that I basically jumped from man to man. I thought that if I could just find the right guy for me, I'd be happy, and my life would fall in to place. 

If you've noticed, I've always seemed to have a boyfriend, or been married, etc. The times that I wasn't in a relationship, I was actively dating and searching for one. My adult life has been all about love and romance, that I've missed what I really need...

And that is to love ME. To discover MYSELF! How could I ever find the "right guy", if I have no clue who I really am, and what type of guy I really want? That's why none of my relationships have worked out, why they have been short, and why I'm always seeming to "date the wrong guys"-- because I have no idea who I AM! 

That all ends now. When I moved out to Texas, I promised myself that I wouldn't even try dating for at least a year while I discovered myself. I broke that promise for awhile. But now I feel I finally am serious about this. 

My Yellow Umbrella that once symbolized "the search for love", now symbolizes "the search for myself". Only when I find myself can I ever hope to find "true love". 

I'll be standing here on my own, discovering myself before I discover the partner who belongs under here with me.